H for Her and Happiness

This will hurt badly. This will be painful.

This is the stage – I think – where I admit that I was happy when I was with my ex. Yes, I know that I was happy back then, because if I wasn’t, then I wouldn’t be this sad at all. I guess that I really have to admit to myself that I was happy with her in order for me to move on and get over what I once considered the “love” of my life.

She made me really happy. She made me smile a lot. She made me want to share joy and happiness to her and to others. She made me want to be good for her.
Happiness was she.

The bitterness that I’m feeling stems from me telling myself that I wasn’t happy. It was one of my defense mechanisms from the pain; I told myself that I was never happy with her; at its freshest, denying that fact did help me get through, but now that the realization that it’s really over have sunk in, it’s not healthy to deny the happy times anymore. I know that acknowledging those ‘times’ will help me in the long run.

And with this I believe I’m a step closer to fully achieving what I want: completely getting over the loss.

After this line, you don’t have to read any further, but if you’re still interested, then read on.

Writing and recalling these things stings right now.

I’m letting go of the happiness and the memories.

Starting to loosen my grip on the things and events that made me happy with her:

- When I would lull her to sleep with the use of my fingers. I would make little circles on her shoulder or on the small of her back with the use of my fingers. She will then close her eyes and fall asleep like a baby. She’s a wonder to gaze at when she looks so peaceful. And I was really happy to bring that ‘peace’ to her…
- When she asked me “may dumi ako sa face?” I told her, “yes”. It was her mole. I thought it was something else. Touching that small brown spot on her left cheek always made me happy.
- When ever she feels down, I always manage to act stupid – not purposely – and this makes her smile. This in turn makes me happy… Even in my most stupid state, she still smiles.
- Being excited to go back to her whenever there is rowing practice and school.
- Every little thing that we did… the small things that didn’t matter but really made us happy.
- When her eyes light up whenever I give her a piece of paper with my writings on it.
- When we would sing like crazy because my car hasn’t got a radio.

A whole lot more happy times. but this is enough.
it stings really bad.
goodbye.