F for Four and R for Realizations

1.The year was 1988. My sister was turning three, I was one, and my brother was two-months old. It happened on the early morning of August that year. My dad went to the garage and took out the family car. As soon as he was out the garage, two armed men on a motorcycle approached him and shot him five times. The doctor pronounced my father as DOA – Dead on Arrival.
My father and mother were high school sweethearts. They dated for ten years before they decided to get married.
My mother mourned for four years. Now she’s okay and happy.
Sometimes, I think that the pain I’m feeling now is minute compared to what my mother felt. Sometimes I think that it’s shameful of me to cry to her about the heaviness and the pain of – should I say betrayal – being left hanging in the air without a valid reason. Sometimes I think that I shouldn’t tell her what I’m feeling inside, because she might dismiss it as a sign of weakness.
She has been through a lot and I was thinking that this pain of mine was nothing. Then she said: “Okay lang yan… I can’t comprehend the pain that you’re feeling, but I’ll help you.” That was what I needed, someone who understood that I needed help.

2.I’ve talked to a lot of people concerning what I’m going through. What struck me was what Mathieu’s mom told me “C’mon Migo, you’re strong. You just think you’re not because of the overwhelming pain. You’re the son of your mom, and your mom has been through a lot, so you should be strong, ok?”
I am strong. I was raised around strong people.

3.I should be hating women right now. I should be detesting and mocking women right now. I should be scheming on how to inflict pain on women, especially the deceivingly beautiful women. There are a myriad of “I shoulds” in my mind right now: “I should not trust them again; I should hate them etcetera...” But this kind of thinking is wrong…
What one woman did to me is not the fault of the entire population.
From my previous realizations: my biggest support group right now is women. So, I’m gracious towards those who helped and are helping me.

4. I read in a friend’s blog:“one day you realize that better knights do not come in shining armor as their armors are bashed in the battlefield. Nor are their horses white as they are stained with mud and blood. After all the brutality they go through, their weary souls will look for someone to find comfort in. And once they do, they will never let go. While the knight in shining armor has probably spent more time shining his armor than using it. He has many princesses waiting for him, he wont mind losing one.” –Miggy.
I am not a knight in shining armor. I have my defects but I know that there’s still room for improvement, and I’m trying really hard to be better.